emotions as urges

i dislike therapy in the sense that i've never benefitted much from visiting a therapist. i've been to tens of them in the past decade, and even when i do everything right, they seem to be a massive waste of time and money at best. in the worst cases, therapy has been quite traumatic. but i do like therapy! i like cbt, dbt, erp, mindfulness.. they're all incredibly helpful to me! 

i do much better when i learn therapy from books and worksheets, and then practice it on my own. i wouldn't recommend this to someone who hasn't actually been to therapy before, because it's important to talk to a professional and see what the vibes are. eventually you'll figure out what therapy sessions are like, and you'll understand the structure well enough to replicate it on your own. that's when you're ready to turn to the books and start your own self-directed therapy practice. 

here's a cool new skill i gained during some recent self-directed dbt and erp sessions: understand that your emotions are connected to urges. you have permission to feel emotions, but that doesn't give you the right to act on your urges. you should always act in a way that reflects your goals and values. for example, if you're feeling angry, you could think "i'm so mad right now!! my friend just hurt me a lot! ...i shouldn't be mad at my friend though. i love her. i'm going to insult her because she made me feel such complicated and unpleasant emotions. i'm a terrible person for having this urge, but i can't control it because she made me so mad!" or you can go through this thought process:

1. i'm beginning to notice that i'm feeling angry. it's okay for me to feel angry.
2. i'm noticing that i have the urge to insult my friend. it's not okay for me to insult my friend.
3. if i insult my friend, she will get mad at me, and the situation will escalate. i will hurt her feelings, make me look bad, and damage our relationship. i will need to continue dealing with the consequences of insulting my friend, even after i'm done feeling angry.
4. if i ignore this urge, it will eventually go away, and i'll be glad that i didn't give into it.
5. i'm going to feel my emotions, deal with them by doing a worksheet/engaging in my hobbies/talking to someone else about it/etc, and then i'll let this go.

letting go isn't always the best option, though. one time i went through this thought process during an erp session, and i needed to resist the urge to lash out and start insulting people. normally the urge goes away within ten minutes, but i continued to feel upset and betrayed even days after the session was over. i carefully considered whether both of us would benefit from a conversation about what happened, or whether bringing up such a conflict would just put unnecessary strain on our friendship. i decided that calmly bringing up my feelings, with a clear and benevolent goal in my mind, was the best course of action, so that's what i did... and it went really well!